As a kid, I wished I could grow up and taste the then, seeming bliss, of adulthood. Be BIG and grown up, I wanted to be able to join in the conversations that I found myself belittled in as a child.... I wished I could say NO and YES when it mattered, I hated what I had, childhood. But I know now, that my ideas were based on unreal pigments of my imagination, I was drawn to a vision of incredible green pastures. Figuratively speaking, as they lay on the other side of the fence.
I realized much later in life, that growing up meant not only gaining control of my senses and perception, but it also meant that I would lose the dream land that I had gotten so used to living in. I never realized the worth of 'no responsibility' and 'bliss' I misread my future and I can never forgive myself for that. It was'nt a conscious mistake, but now that I know about it, I know what I have lost and I wish, just wish, that I had cherished it while it was with me! Innocence is something few people ever retain throughout their lives.... We lose it along the way of life and regaining that lost innocence is something that's beyond impossible!
"You never know what you've got until it's taken away!"
"And you can't always get back what's been taken from you!"
I did'nt lose my childhood. As an entity by myself, I am still, in my mind, a child, but I choose not to be overwhelmed by my craving for my losses. I just wish and that is what's shredding my minds last nerve cells.... Who said Alzymers (however you spell it!) is a bad thing? At least you forget what you had! In my case, and I'm sure, many others too, we remember our past and the childhood that we once had. Knowing that you can't change anything that's past, is much worse than knowing that you can change your future....
"Live for now and blanket out the past.... The future will hold joy and sorrow, but till you see it, it's not really there." I said this very line with a few words more or less to a mentally disrupted friend of mine on the net who'd been molested as a child on the underground in Tokyo (No names, sorry!). She never talked to me after that again.... And I never could get myself to follow my own advice.... I got a mail from her about a year and a half later. (That's last night by the way!) She said that if I had given her that advice earlier, she'd never have understood it. It took her a while and a lot more depression before she figured out anything about what I was trying to say to her. She told me it was later that she discovered that there was such a thing as reading between the lines and she saw what I had said. She is now a Graphics Designer in Florida and she's having a great time!. I feel happy for her. But I feel sad too for myself cause I know that I can't read my own lines and follow them too. A mental block I guess, but then, I'm just a hopeless, miserable fanatic (?).
I hope I said something worth someone's time....
And hey, this story about the dear little lady from Florida, I leave it to my readers here to decide upon it's authenticity. I've heard people use the 'sic' word often.... And this time, please.... 'sic’.
Regards and Kaydeeyoh!