Angirasa Acharya (aka Jim....) (angiasaa) wrote,
Angirasa Acharya (aka Jim....)
angiasaa

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I've finally called it quits!

The last few days have been a marathon emotional battle with myself and the world....

I'm not relating it in much detail, but just for the book, I'll highlight some of the issues....
The rest, of course, shall be privatized.

After an initial staggering moment in my emotional life, I could'nt sleep the whole night. I tried, but failed miserably, to do my work for the next days press, that evening but I scarcely could get my thoughts to focus on my articles for the papers. The problem with Newspapers is that they can't wait for 'tomorrow' they want their stuff and they want it 'today'. I lay in bed all night pondering the confusion that wrought my mind into shapes so twisted, reality began to merge with the virtually unknown realms of hell. I slept ot a wink, and when the light of dawn draped my bedroom in it's pearly mistiness, I climbed gingerly out of bed, slapped up a shower and was off to work....

Reaching office at an unearthly hour is strange, but reaching at an unheard of hour is absolutely ridiculous! I was at my desk by 6:00 AM and though there were people manning their stations at the reception and the server rooms, they were all from the night shift. Cramped in my chair, I sloped onto the desk and tried to see what I was'nt seeing.... My life.... But it was all a blur and before I knew it, my boss was standing over me wagging a pale finger in beckoning toward his desk....

I shuffled over and I waited as he went through his morning routine.... Finally, settling down, he starts to narrate a story of insignificant consequence, the contents or subject of which, does'nt deserve any place in this journal today. Somewhere in his story, between a roller coaster ride and having to pay for parking tickets, his high heeled secretary walks in and hands him the print outs of my previous nights article. He realizes at this point in his life that I'm far far away, not listening to a word he's saying.... So he buries his nose in the plasto-sheets with my work on them and motions for me to have a seat while he does his reading.

As is customary when my work goes in for the initial review, his secretary drops a low toned happy "Hello and Good morning to you Sir!" before cat-walking off to fetch me my usual coffee.... I am usually strangulated every time I hear her referring to me as "Sir", but today, I don't notice, I don't care and it does'nt even register as something abnormal.... Which is abnormal behavior for me by the way.

Anyway, moving right along, the secretary clicks her way in and just as she's placing the coaster under the coffee mug on the desk, her body goes stiff as the sounds of ripping plasto-sheets makes it's self evident throughout the office. My Boss is tearing up the sheets with a face that's painted an ugly shade of crimson.... If any of you have heard plasto-sheets being ripped, you'll understand why everyone within a radius of about five miles wide dropped whatever they were doing and started peeking around to see what was going on....

With what amounted to a bellow, consisting of every feature of the term amplified ten times or more, he gave out this huge grunt as he lifted himself out of his chair, held out the plasto-sheet pieces for me to see how they had been frayed at the edges.... and then, with a graceful wave of the hand, he snapped a flick of the wrist, sending the bits of the plasto-sheets on their way, taking their different paths toward the ground after having scattered over about a six foot radius around us in mid air....

He told me that this was the worst piece he'd ever seen from my desk and that i did a better job of writing on my first day of work! Said he wanted to know what i was thinking when i wrote that stuff and that if there was one thing he hated the most, it was being on the wrong side of a deadline.... Apparently, I had the idea that the Press could wait.... He fretted and fumed for a bit longer till he ran out of breath and words.

Finally, I told him quietly to sit down and listen.... He fumbled a bit and then, as if regretting his submission to my command, sat down, perhaps sensing something in my tone, I'm not sure.... All this while, people are watching openly, having given up their will to hide the fact that they were watching some time ago.... Before my Boss could recover, I figured I should strike while the iron was hot (no pun intended), so I go ahead with my train o momentum. I told him, rather blandly now that I look back on it, that I wanted to quit....

I waited for a reaction, but he just sat there, a faint look of confusion and shock slowly remolding his face.... he did'nt reply so I continued.... "I've had my share of good times and I've had my share of bad times.... I've been contemplating my quitting for quite a while now and..." He cut me off here, evidently having found his voice, he asked me what had gone wrong, he apologized for having exploded the way he did a moment ago and did'nt know what had gotten into him. I told him it was'nt any particular thing he'd ever done that made me decide on quitting.... Instead, it was more due to the fact that I love writing. Writing has always been an integral part of my life and shall forever be one of the few true links to my reality. I've not been feeling very emotionally sound these past couple of days and last night, I was unsound enough to take the leap. I've made a decision and i intend to stick to it this time.

"But you love writing, and that's what you're doing, we would'nt be printing your articles with such regularity if you were'nt good at your job.... I refuse to accept any sort of a resignation.... Take a vacation or something, but as far as quitting is concerned, I'm not mad to let you off so easy." I told him I was really very serious and that I did love writing, but writing the kind of stuff that I do for these papers is not my cup of tea, you people might fool yourselves into believing that it's really good and stuff, but I'm not fooled, I know what I want and it's not this stuff. I want to write about things that I love, I want to write stuff that is away from what the newspapers carry, and I want to live my own life. That's what I want. And that's what I told him.

He sat there looking at me for a while, I remember thinking at that point in time that I'd timed it all wrong, but I'd made my move and so be it! I rose from my seat and proceeded toward the exit.... People clumsily made way for me and once I was out at the reception, I took in a deep breath, I remember hoping that i'd made the right decision.

Another day of thought plagued my mind and I was tormented by my thoughts. Events occurred that forced me to rethink things that I'd earlier established as integrally sound, but they now began falling apart in my head and I did'nt know which way to look for support. One thing latched on though and I stuck with it.... I needed a focus, something rigid and strong, and something that could keep me on track no matter which way I plundered. I did'nt have to seek, It was always with me and I needed no guide rails, these instruments of suspension were built into the heart of my emotions and though I'd never seen it before, I was glad to welcome it as an old friend.

Time passed me by, furious thinking and confusion churning through my brain.... My past whisked in curved lines and winding spirals through my mind and I did'nt know what the matter was with me. My emotional state had been rocked like a rubber dingy caught in a blizzard. And yet, there was not just a glimmer of hope, there was a lightening storm, complete with hope and all the other fixtures involved! All I needed to do was to get myself into the eye of the cyclone and it would inevitably carry me to dry land....

All I had to do was marked out clearly, and I reached the eye. I'm here today, which is proof enough to show that there is dry land out here. To embrace ones troubles is to embrace reality as well. To understand reality is to solve ones problems.... And it's never particularly hard to do that. you just need the right frame of mind. Of course, a goal must be defined, even if it's not a perfect one, but to have perfection means to want nothing more.... I'll live a long life, I've already lived long.... Very very long. I've learnt so much in my measly life, that telling it all to someone would take me more than an average human lifespan.

The solution to a problem, by the way, lies in itself.... I've learnt so much about the human psyche, I've figured so many things out to their logical conclusion, I've had time, time to be by myself, and time to reflect on things and I've actually learnt that there's so much to life that I'd be making a mistake if I were to forfeit it all in one slash.... I know where I've come from, but I'm not sure of where I'm going.... One thing I'm sure of though is where my thoughts are.... They're partly in my heart and partly in my mind. But most importantly, they work best when they function together....

Life Rulez!
Kaydeeyoh!
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  • 21 comments

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