In too deep, Brood

Upping and Downing!

Life is riddled with ups and downs. Most every 'up' is followed by a 'down', though sometimes, an 'up' is followed by more 'up'. The same goes for 'down'.

There are a number of things that have shaped me and my life. Some of them agonizingly obvious, some not so. Yet, when an old memory comes floating up from my past, I cling to it. It might be a happy or sad one, but either way, I find myself helplessly clinging onto it.

Some of these things are harder to let go of, but eventually, the tide turns and you find you're better off today, than you were the day before. Ordeals you might have survived at first as a younger human being sometimes grip and haunt you longer than necessary when they eventually pop up in due course of time. Some of them hurt, some put you into an emotional state of numbness that grips your heart and pumps it at a different pace. Some of them just leave you breathless with that lasting afterglow that we've come to associate with some other things in our lives.

There are times when the past looms its seductive head over you, but sooner or later, you learn to push it aside and move on. I've been there a million times, and though their effects still linger on and treat me as one of their own, I know I am what and who I am because of what these memories are to me.

To the good times, Amen!
In too deep, Brood

On Religion and Atheists.

Here's an interesting article that was published in the LA Times: [Link!]

Interesting findings don't you think? But after reading it, I din't stop there.. I read the comments people had left behind. I was not just stunned, but appalled by the lack of intelligence involved by most of the authors, in the process of writing out their comments.

What the article tries to project is not how much someone knows about religion, but how little people have examined the religion they follow.

It's the distinction between say.. Blind Faith and Faith by Understanding.

It's merely a collateral finding, that Atheists know more about their previous religion and others, than people still following their own religions. In a world where we try to understand everything around us, and question everything, it is alarming that most of us as individuals following a religion, do not stop long enough to question why it is we even believe in the religion of our faiths.

I'm Agnostic, but I do not condemn religion. I've questioned my faith often and studied mine and other religions too. Eventually, it dawned upon me that I see more clearly, the world around me, without the veil of faith and blind following. I grew to understand my own beliefs and have created my own system of morals and ethics. These make up the actions and reactions in my world.

I've never been more free in my mind. However, I do still envy those who're blind followers of their respective religions and faiths. You can't undo an education, just as you can't un-do realization.

God bless, and Kaydeeyoh!
Happy Shy

The Staircase

I wrote my first poem when I was 10 and a half years of age.  The 6th of December, 1999 19911.  The memories of that day came flooding back to me in a rush of amused astonishment and realization that I once was a kid, and I recognize that innocence, that lack of worldly insight and awareness that I had back then.  I'm still a noon noob2 today, but I'm quite certain that I've moved on along the path to a slow, inevitably miserable death.

The day I wrote this poem, stands crystal clear in my mind.  I remember the weather, the odors and scents of the world around me, the colours of the flowers, the sun glistening off the fresh blood that was just beginning to coagulate upon my knee..  It's something I will never forget.

Here's the poem as it was originally written.  Don't laugh now..  :)

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I'm going out on a limb here and am incredibly vulnerable to negative feedback (even positive can hurt fyi!, so be careful).  I was a kid when I sat down to write it, and I never went back to review it later.  This is the rawest deal that you'll ever get out of me (I think).  So wear your kiddy gloves please, I'm especially sensitive about this poem, 'cause when I wrote it back then, I was, and now again when I post it up for you guys to read, I still am a kid.  :)

This poem is among the first of a long string of literary embarrassments.  It's full of bungles and paints a stupid childish world.  So yeah, I do _know_ that the poem's not worth writing home about, and don't need to be told that either.  :)


1corrected weird year in date thanks to pinak
2spelling corrected by subtle_blues
3removed extra '0', thanks to subtle_blues

Your Mom's A Sex Worker?

I was in a meeting yesterday, and as I am wont to do, I'd drunk more than my fair share of liquids. It's Hyderabad and the weather last evening was simply lovely! However, the over-weight and unfortunate Hyderabaddies who look like tight fits even in the widest chairs in the meeting room were over-heating. The air conditioner was straining to meet a scant 24 degree average temperature.

Being thin-skinned and unfortunate as I am on my blubber reserves, I soon began suffering from acute heat loss. A few minutes into the meeting, my bladder began to cry foul and I excused myself to make the (by now desperate) journey to the loo to relieve myself.

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They asked me what the joke was all about, but had to sadly refuse to share it with them. You guys are a bit luckier though, so I'll dish out some of the joy I was rolling myself around in.

A long time ago, when I was in Delhi, still studying and playing out the role I'd chosen to play in my life at that point in time, I once walked into my classroom after having taken a break from the cacophony of unsheathed tongues. Conversations were peppered around the classroom and people, it seemed, were interacting in full swing.

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We walked back to the class in fits of laughter.
I thought it was one of my most intimate encounters with the opposite sex at the time. I later found out that she had a boyfriend who stood one and a half times higher than me, was twice as broad as he was tall, and drove a 12 year old, faded dark-blue Maruti 800. :)

I never dated her. And looking back at my life, I suppose it was for the best anyway. :)

I don't think the heavy weights out here at work ought to hear any of this though, they'd see the pervert that I am and probably turn out to be axe murderers who're rediscovering their true identities. :) Too much at stake here. A private joke is of private worth. :) Somehow, I don't think you guys will find this episode as funny as I did either, but I can risk it with you. ;)

In too deep, Brood

a la lihkin!

We don't get to talk much anymore.  A new world, a new life....  You'll die one day, but not in here you won't.  :)  You'll stay with me forever.

You'll probably never see this post my friend, but here's wishing you a muchly happy birthday!  :o)

Kaydeeyoh!  (I know you know what <--that  truly means, so don't!)
In too deep, Brood

VNV Nation - Illusion

Sometimes, there's a part of our mind that's in its basic essence, what you'd call your "heart"....

In pain and sadness lies an explicit beauty that can't be told from one to another, it has to be experienced for what it is. It's simple and complex at the same time.

I've always related closely to this song, but ever since I saw this video, I've discovered a binding kinship to the lyrics. The way they match, the feelings that the song evokes somehow boils up to the surface and grips me in a concrete hold.

Probably the best unofficial video-audio mix ever..

I hope you love this as much as I did..


If I was fat, I'd sit on all of you!!

Some people have the tendency to put on weight even though their food intake is low, while some tend to remain thin and look like stick figures. There are also a microscopically small handful who can eat what they feel like and maintain a fairly well balanced coating of fat and muscle.

I'm one of those people with a high metabolic rate. Add to that, my insomnia and you have a thin guy who looks like two arms and legs made hastily out of hangar-wire.

I can't put on weight even if I really try hard to do so. :( It's NOT cool, and it's not fun. There's a stigma around the globe when it comes to fat people, but since there are so many of them (roughly 80% of the population in the more developed nations consists of the mildly obese to the super-heavy weights), they've become an un-detachable part of the world we've come to believe, surrounds us. There are so many people out there who are overweight, that they've become a staple in our daily lives. If you were to walk down the street and find no fat people, you'd do a back-flip out of sheer terror!

Being miserably thin as I am, has a different level of acceptance. Here's what I face every day.. When I leave for work in the morning, I'm usually focused upon by passers by, way longer than is considered decent. Once I get to work, he security guard says I'm thin. The receptionist who greets me with a smile and a Good morning (that sounds so terribly forced) tells me that she wished I would take some of her fat (not sure what she means, but it's gross, I know). As I take the lift to my floor, I'm usually alone, but sometimes, there's someone in the lift with me, and they invariably have those hungry eyes shimmering with restrained tears.

Once I start working in earnest, some of the companies partners and other random folk who I gotta interact with show up. This is not a thrilling time. Some have the sense to keep their vile mouths shut. But most of them can't help squealing (it literally sounds like a squeal!!) "Gosh! You're so thin!! You should put on some weight! Don't you eat any food at all? Eat something.. Have bananas and milk..". They have no idea how damn out-casted I feel when they do that. Even people on the over-heavy side do it without caring a rats ass about how I would feel. For gods sake, I hardly even know them!

If I saw a fat guy and went around telling them in a high pitched whine "Gosh! You're so fat!! Why don't you just stop eating!", I'd probably lose my job within a few minutes at most.

That's weight discrimination. :( And I hate it. I'm not complaining so much as letting fly a random rant though. :) I have met some amazing people. Some of them BIG, some of them small. Some of them huge, and less than a handful of the thin.

Why don't people get it? Fat or thin, they're people right!! Right??

They're gonna hate me for this one. :) Hehe!

Day Dreams of Love

Growing up feels like..

I feel old. :) and I probably am. I've lost most of the energy I once used to put into everything I did. Too many things mean too little to me. I hardly spend time on anything I don't consider my own. Once upon a time, I was sure I was going to inherit the earth. But the older I get, the more I realize that I have and own absolutely nothing!

It's not about growing old though.. It's about realizing that I've been a complete idiot and that I've valued things that never even existed in the first place.

It's scary when the world you wished for, the world you so truly believed in, suddenly cracks.. It fractures in a million places and crumbles in slow motion, down into a cloud of dust around you. You wish you'd realized sooner and shielded yourself from it all, but then, you're only human right?

This is not a depressed post though. It's just as a matter of fact, my view through tinted glasses. It just amuses me though, how willingly one would kill themselves to pursue a dream they're so terribly certain will never ever come true. Even if there's absolutely no possibility of realization of such a dream, like lambs, we follow the wisp of a dream into the Sausage Machine.

How many of you have encountered a similar experience, where it suddenly dawns upon you that everything you loved, held close, and worked hard to take care of, was just you deluding yourself?

I'm not sure, but I think there's enough salt in the sausages today..

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