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I've finally called it quits!

  • Jan. 18th, 2004 at 5:15 PM
Sly Smile
The last few days have been a marathon emotional battle with myself and the world....

I'm not relating it in much detail, but just for the book, I'll highlight some of the issues....
The rest, of course, shall be privatized.

After an initial staggering moment in my emotional life, I could'nt sleep the whole night. I tried, but failed miserably, to do my work for the next days press, that evening but I scarcely could get my thoughts to focus on my articles for the papers. The problem with Newspapers is that they can't wait for 'tomorrow' they want their stuff and they want it 'today'. I lay in bed all night pondering the confusion that wrought my mind into shapes so twisted, reality began to merge with the virtually unknown realms of hell. I slept ot a wink, and when the light of dawn draped my bedroom in it's pearly mistiness, I climbed gingerly out of bed, slapped up a shower and was off to work....

Reaching office at an unearthly hour is strange, but reaching at an unheard of hour is absolutely ridiculous! I was at my desk by 6:00 AM and though there were people manning their stations at the reception and the server rooms, they were all from the night shift. Cramped in my chair, I sloped onto the desk and tried to see what I was'nt seeing.... My life.... But it was all a blur and before I knew it, my boss was standing over me wagging a pale finger in beckoning toward his desk....

I shuffled over and I waited as he went through his morning routine.... Finally, settling down, he starts to narrate a story of insignificant consequence, the contents or subject of which, does'nt deserve any place in this journal today. Somewhere in his story, between a roller coaster ride and having to pay for parking tickets, his high heeled secretary walks in and hands him the print outs of my previous nights article. He realizes at this point in his life that I'm far far away, not listening to a word he's saying.... So he buries his nose in the plasto-sheets with my work on them and motions for me to have a seat while he does his reading.

As is customary when my work goes in for the initial review, his secretary drops a low toned happy "Hello and Good morning to you Sir!" before cat-walking off to fetch me my usual coffee.... I am usually strangulated every time I hear her referring to me as "Sir", but today, I don't notice, I don't care and it does'nt even register as something abnormal.... Which is abnormal behavior for me by the way.

Anyway, moving right along, the secretary clicks her way in and just as she's placing the coaster under the coffee mug on the desk, her body goes stiff as the sounds of ripping plasto-sheets makes it's self evident throughout the office. My Boss is tearing up the sheets with a face that's painted an ugly shade of crimson.... If any of you have heard plasto-sheets being ripped, you'll understand why everyone within a radius of about five miles wide dropped whatever they were doing and started peeking around to see what was going on....

With what amounted to a bellow, consisting of every feature of the term amplified ten times or more, he gave out this huge grunt as he lifted himself out of his chair, held out the plasto-sheet pieces for me to see how they had been frayed at the edges.... and then, with a graceful wave of the hand, he snapped a flick of the wrist, sending the bits of the plasto-sheets on their way, taking their different paths toward the ground after having scattered over about a six foot radius around us in mid air....

He told me that this was the worst piece he'd ever seen from my desk and that i did a better job of writing on my first day of work! Said he wanted to know what i was thinking when i wrote that stuff and that if there was one thing he hated the most, it was being on the wrong side of a deadline.... Apparently, I had the idea that the Press could wait.... He fretted and fumed for a bit longer till he ran out of breath and words.

Finally, I told him quietly to sit down and listen.... He fumbled a bit and then, as if regretting his submission to my command, sat down, perhaps sensing something in my tone, I'm not sure.... All this while, people are watching openly, having given up their will to hide the fact that they were watching some time ago.... Before my Boss could recover, I figured I should strike while the iron was hot (no pun intended), so I go ahead with my train o momentum. I told him, rather blandly now that I look back on it, that I wanted to quit....

I waited for a reaction, but he just sat there, a faint look of confusion and shock slowly remolding his face.... he did'nt reply so I continued.... "I've had my share of good times and I've had my share of bad times.... I've been contemplating my quitting for quite a while now and..." He cut me off here, evidently having found his voice, he asked me what had gone wrong, he apologized for having exploded the way he did a moment ago and did'nt know what had gotten into him. I told him it was'nt any particular thing he'd ever done that made me decide on quitting.... Instead, it was more due to the fact that I love writing. Writing has always been an integral part of my life and shall forever be one of the few true links to my reality. I've not been feeling very emotionally sound these past couple of days and last night, I was unsound enough to take the leap. I've made a decision and i intend to stick to it this time.

"But you love writing, and that's what you're doing, we would'nt be printing your articles with such regularity if you were'nt good at your job.... I refuse to accept any sort of a resignation.... Take a vacation or something, but as far as quitting is concerned, I'm not mad to let you off so easy." I told him I was really very serious and that I did love writing, but writing the kind of stuff that I do for these papers is not my cup of tea, you people might fool yourselves into believing that it's really good and stuff, but I'm not fooled, I know what I want and it's not this stuff. I want to write about things that I love, I want to write stuff that is away from what the newspapers carry, and I want to live my own life. That's what I want. And that's what I told him.

He sat there looking at me for a while, I remember thinking at that point in time that I'd timed it all wrong, but I'd made my move and so be it! I rose from my seat and proceeded toward the exit.... People clumsily made way for me and once I was out at the reception, I took in a deep breath, I remember hoping that i'd made the right decision.

Another day of thought plagued my mind and I was tormented by my thoughts. Events occurred that forced me to rethink things that I'd earlier established as integrally sound, but they now began falling apart in my head and I did'nt know which way to look for support. One thing latched on though and I stuck with it.... I needed a focus, something rigid and strong, and something that could keep me on track no matter which way I plundered. I did'nt have to seek, It was always with me and I needed no guide rails, these instruments of suspension were built into the heart of my emotions and though I'd never seen it before, I was glad to welcome it as an old friend.

Time passed me by, furious thinking and confusion churning through my brain.... My past whisked in curved lines and winding spirals through my mind and I did'nt know what the matter was with me. My emotional state had been rocked like a rubber dingy caught in a blizzard. And yet, there was not just a glimmer of hope, there was a lightening storm, complete with hope and all the other fixtures involved! All I needed to do was to get myself into the eye of the cyclone and it would inevitably carry me to dry land....

All I had to do was marked out clearly, and I reached the eye. I'm here today, which is proof enough to show that there is dry land out here. To embrace ones troubles is to embrace reality as well. To understand reality is to solve ones problems.... And it's never particularly hard to do that. you just need the right frame of mind. Of course, a goal must be defined, even if it's not a perfect one, but to have perfection means to want nothing more.... I'll live a long life, I've already lived long.... Very very long. I've learnt so much in my measly life, that telling it all to someone would take me more than an average human lifespan.

The solution to a problem, by the way, lies in itself.... I've learnt so much about the human psyche, I've figured so many things out to their logical conclusion, I've had time, time to be by myself, and time to reflect on things and I've actually learnt that there's so much to life that I'd be making a mistake if I were to forfeit it all in one slash.... I know where I've come from, but I'm not sure of where I'm going.... One thing I'm sure of though is where my thoughts are.... They're partly in my heart and partly in my mind. But most importantly, they work best when they function together....

Life Rulez!
Kaydeeyoh!

Comments

namus wrote:
Jan. 18th, 2004 05:59 am (UTC)
You think deep and I really admire that. I'm sure you must have been told by somebody that you think too much. Its no wonder you don't sleep well, neither do I. I've sometimes spent sleepless nights thinking if my life is the way I want it to be, whether what I do is what I really want to do. I think you write beautifully(not necessarily simple to understand) and thats your art to keep you happy.
angiasaa wrote:
Jan. 18th, 2004 08:08 am (UTC)
I usually don't feel grand when I'm complimentd, but the way you just said what you did, made me feel rather bright all of a sudden.

Yes, I've been told by four Psychologists (Shrinks for the untamed mind) that I have an overactive mind, that I'm so much of a perfectionist that I'm never gonna be able to be happy unless I take anti-depressants.... Which, for common knowledge sake, I refuse to take! :) I've been told this during my attempts at seeking shrinks to devise solutions for my sleeping problems....

The shrinks all say that I'm incurable.... It has to come from inside, naturally and internally.... :(

Thanx for the compliment, I really appreciate it, you made my day! :)

Kaydeeyoh!
(no subject) - nash_da_basher - Jan. 19th, 2004 03:49 am (UTC)
angiasaa wrote:
Jan. 19th, 2004 03:55 am (UTC)
it's the morality of ecto modus vivendi!
(no subject) - nash_da_basher - Jan. 19th, 2004 03:58 am (UTC)
angiasaa wrote:
Jan. 19th, 2004 04:06 am (UTC)
ecto modus vivendi....

Ecto = outer/external
Modus = Method/Manner...
Vivendi = Living

Ecto Modus Vivendi = The external manner of living. In this case, drawing from the common usage today of 'modus vivendi', The statement becomes "external harmony among fellow beings"

Kaydeeyoh!

Latin and Greek can contain so much more meaning than English, I wonder why we don't use them instead of English.... :P
(no subject) - nash_da_basher - Jan. 19th, 2004 03:53 am (UTC)
angiasaa wrote:
Jan. 19th, 2004 04:00 am (UTC)
Lol! You're evidently very very new to my style of Journaling....

I write not so often, but when I do, I _Holy Write_! lol!

I'm sorry mate, but i have'nt got the patience to read through all that...forgive me.

I forgive as easily as I convict! You're forgiven!

"I've called it quits"?? what does that mean??

It means many things. The topic relates metaphorically with the various thigs said in the post itself.... Unfortunately, The meaning of the topic will reflect in various classes and dimentions at different points in the post....

You'll have to read it to draw a conclusion.... :) But you have been forgiven. ;)
Kaydeeyoh!
(no subject) - nash_da_basher - Jan. 19th, 2004 04:09 am (UTC)
angiasaa wrote:
Jan. 19th, 2004 04:28 am (UTC)
No, you don't have to read it. People draw conclusions about others without even havig seen, heard, or interacted with other people. People are always prejudiced. That's because they've already drawn certain conclusions....

What makes you or I any different from them? What makes us so different that we can't draw our own conclusionsn without the facts.... Intuition plays an important part in this too.... :) But that's another story....

We don't use greek and latin coz most of us don't understand them, that' true.... But Most people don't understand them because it's harder to learn complex tongues.... Just like Sanskrit.... It's a dead language cause though it's one of the most structured languages in the world today, it's still not easy to our tongues.... Does that mean we're regressing? Perhaps.... But I don't vouch for that just yet, I'm not jumping to conclusions.... :)

Kaydeeyoh!
(no subject) - nash_da_basher - Jan. 19th, 2004 04:32 am (UTC)
angiasaa wrote:
Jan. 19th, 2004 04:35 am (UTC)
If I'm not mistaken, you "speak Dutch like a Native" right? :)

Well, Almost everyone who read this post up top figured I'd quit my job....

Some got the other meanings, but I'm yet to find someone who got everything....

Kaydeeyoh!
(no subject) - nash_da_basher - Jan. 19th, 2004 04:49 am (UTC)
datempest wrote:
Jan. 19th, 2004 07:28 am (UTC)
I second that opinion. If you are like your posts, then you WILL find a better and more satisfying job... now if only I could find one...


atharvan wrote:
Jan. 19th, 2004 07:46 am (UTC)
Opinion seconded too...or perhaps, thirded, even, :P

As we say, the proof of the pudding is in the eating; in your case, it's your writing that reveals your worth and talent.
That's a big step you've taken and I wish you all the best for whatever the future reserves for you.

And I must say that your post is the most inspiring thing I've read this whole week!
Cheers!
angiasaa wrote:
Jan. 19th, 2004 08:08 am (UTC)
Thankyou atharvan,

if you liked this post, you must read Living with Passion, I'm sure you'r gonna enjoy it and the thoughts involved.... :)

Thankyou so much for your wishes, It's an honour to have you among my comment posters. :)

Good luck to you too and Kaydeeyoh!

atharvan wrote:
Jan. 19th, 2004 02:33 pm (UTC)
Yes, I actually did read it some time before and did appreciate this work of positive and affirmative thought..I was thinking of both posts, actually, when I made my initial comment.

Much of what you have said echoes what I already think about but your post expresses this more cogently than I possibly could. In fact, it doesn't really need explaining because it forms an inherent part of my lifestyle and the way I behave.

In a way, I'm a kind of perfectionist myself; I say 'kind of' because I realise the irony of learning towards perfection in so imperfect and flawed world as the one we find ourselves in. Yet, it is something that we hope to achieve, something beyond us but which we can reach toward if we only manage to harness the forces and tensions within.

As Lord Tennyson so aptly writes:

'and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are ---
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.'


My life has so far not been exciting, but it has been well-lived; fully-lived...as it has, as you say, been lived with passion. I have always sought to follow the twin voices of my heart and mind, and rarely have they been in disaccord. Oh of course, there have been many instances where doing things 'right' has made me feel a bit low or made me miss out on certain things, but the joy you get from doing what your heart knows to be 'just' and 'right' (be it for myself or others) is undescribable.

I hope you understand. It doesn't really matter, though, if no one does :P.

P.S: and you were spot on about this control thing as related to drugs and what not; I've recently been commenting on this myself: my friends have often been puzzled as to why I often rarely do 'look' drunk while I possibly might have drunk more than them, hehe. All it takes is a little control, after all, which has now become natural to me. I rarely feel (very) drunk now, unless this is how I want to feel. But don't tell them, eh...
Cheers!
angiasaa wrote:
Jan. 20th, 2004 12:54 pm (UTC)
Yes, I actually did read it some time before and did appreciate this work of positive and affirmative thought..

So, you've been here spying on me for a while already.... :-D Well, I'm honored. Sometimes, the very fabric of a mind can be reflected in the glimer of past experiences and I have found that everything that I do, is always a state of my past existance.... Thanx for commenting here, you are quite a refreshing part of this journal. :) I am, myself, a very negative individual, But in wishing to be positive, I guess I touch more lives and nudge them into positives than I myself move.... Fact? fiction? I don't know what it is.... I seem to be a continious path backward.... But the cause enlightens me to a great many things that are reward enough to sustain my joy.... :)

Much of what you have said echoes what I already think about but your post expresses this more cogently than I possibly could. In fact, it doesn't really need explaining because it forms an inherent part of my lifestyle and the way I behave.

This statement of yours got me so involved, I wrote too much to fit into a comment, so I posted a new Journal Post. :)

Everything we say or do is in direct co-relation with our surroundings.... As a cognitive opinion, I fear perfection is something we'll never achieve since it's a never ending broadening of perception.... It's endless in a manner of speaking.... And with increasing numbers of failures to dot the terrain, we're not speeding up but slowing down in our attempts to achieve that which is not possible.

I hope you understand. It doesn't really matter, though, if no one does :P.

As a matter of fact, I do understand. :) Life is somethin we don't really have uch control over. except ofcourse the part concerning creation and that of annhilation. But these come anyway, especially the latter.... The trick is the embrace it and evolve around your life in such a way as to adapt, with an increasing level of efficiency, to the situations that surround you. To have lived your life with passion, you've accepted yourself, and that is the single, most hard thing for an individual to manage. You've graduated early, some people use up their entire lifetimes and still don't achieve that status.... :)

you were spot on about this control thing as related to drugs and what not; I've recently been commenting on this myself: my friends have often been puzzled as to why I often rarely do 'look' drunk while I possibly might have drunk more than them, hehe. All it takes is a little control, after all, which has now become natural to me. I rarely feel (very) drunk now, unless this is how I want to feel. But don't tell them, eh...

Thankyou, it's hard to find people who believe in the same things as you do.... And even harder still, to find people who not just believe in you, but also achieve the same results! :) The idea is as clear as always, "Be in control of your life!" :)

And don't worry, I'm not telling a soul about your abilities. :)

Kaydeeyoh!
atharvan wrote:
Jan. 20th, 2004 01:22 pm (UTC)
QT: "As a cognitive opinion, I fear perfection is something we'll never achieve since it's a never ending broadening of perception.... It's endless in a manner of speaking.... And with increasing numbers of failures to dot the terrain, we're not speeding up but slowing down in our attempts to achieve that which is not possible."

Of course, perfection cannot be achieved; it would completely negate what we conceptually mean by it. By definition itself, perfection eludes understanding and grasp; it is that symbol of the infinite we can reach out to but never envisage in its entirety.

It is like that seer in one of the Upanishads (I suck at referencing my quotes) who at the same time yearns yet fears what he will see when he finally discovers the true face of God, or perfection. Or maybe, it's like what happens to Semele, the mortal princess, who dies petrified on beholding the divine presence of Zeus since her mind just fails to apprehend perfection.

But perfection is, after all, a human concept; it is the representation of humanity's awareness of his mortality and frailty and the realisation that there is something beyond a normal state of existence that can be achieved.

Failures, as you mention so aptly in your reply, dot the terrain of human experience precisely because we human beings fail to recognise perfection for what it is: an ideal to be pursued.

We are, all of us, not similar; we have different aptitudes, different capabilities. Yet, we may all strive towards perfection.

The key is to realise how close to that state of perfection you know you might be able to reach. I am very far from my goal myself, and often, in spite of myself, fear rejection/de
angiasaa wrote:
Jan. 21st, 2004 11:50 pm (UTC)
By definition itself, perfection eludes understanding and grasp; it is that symbol of the infinite we can reach out to but never envisage in its entirety.

Understanding? I agree. Grasp, I agree.... :) And as you say perfectly (huh!?), WE can only hope to get closer to it, but can never see it in all It's entirety. If perfection is to be beheld, perfection must exist in it's entirety including the fundimental substrata of existance. Perfection can only come with understanding, but since we are ourselves imperfect representations of entities, achieving perfection in a macro-sense is impossible.

One has to reduce ourselves to a fundimental level and perfect things from there onward. With understanding only, can a level of perfection be achieved and well, we're millenia behind schedule as far as that's concerned....

We cannot visualize perfection for the simle reason that you stated above. Perfection is complimentary to our imperfections.... Until we are ourselves perfect, there's no such thing as a real vision of perfection itself! :)

But perfection is, after all, a human concept; it is the representation of humanity's awareness of his mortality and railty and the realisation that there is something beyond a normal state of existence that can be achieved.

My thoughts exactly, perfection is something that is a creation of our own! There well might not even exist something called perfect at all! It is just a phigment of our own rilly imaginations. To every reality, we have a vision of perfection.... so as I said earlier, the closer you run toward teh horizon, it's still just that far away from us....

We can't reach perfection because every time we achieve any level of perfection, our vision of perfection itself is enlargened. That's my vision.... :P And I see it ideally reflected in your own words "an ideal to be pursued"

You're not alone, I fear rejection too, and at a level so unfounded, I fear even the very thought of it....

Kaydeeyoh!
angiasaa wrote:
Jan. 19th, 2004 07:51 am (UTC)
:">
Yes.... Too many people are getting the opinion that I'm lost without a job.... They don't realize that I have a few job offers in line. I just wanna take some time off for myself.... And till I'm ready, I'm not gonna go around accepting anything.

you WILL find a better and more satisfying job

I sure hope I do.... I wanna do something I love doing for a change and finding a job with that characteristic ain't gonna be easy....

Thanx for the vote of confidence though,
Kaydeeyoh!
angiasaa wrote:
Jan. 19th, 2004 07:39 am (UTC)
Haha!

No man, I don't see why anyone should feel sorry about it. 'cept the company I was working for.... They'll be having some rather uncomfortable losses till they can find someone to replace me....

You should realise that they never kicked me out, I walked out.... :)

Kaydeeyoh!
(no subject) - nash_da_basher - Jan. 19th, 2004 08:19 am (UTC)
angiasaa wrote:
Jan. 19th, 2004 08:38 am (UTC)
I was writing for The Hindu, The Telegraph and the khaleej times....

as also the main content writer for the IT-Mailers with themanagementor.com

About the gre, I'm not sure i'm a great guy to get those answers from.... There are loads of places on the net where those questions are answered.... all you need is a faithful search engine. ;)

About what lies ahead, I guess I've got a little bit of self contemplation to do and then, I'm back to the real physical world....

I dunno what job I'll take up, but I'm thinking It's gotta be something that makes me feel like working on it and not at it.... if you know what I mean. :P

Keep the faith and Kaydeeyoh!
(Anonymous) wrote:
Jan. 19th, 2004 08:31 am (UTC)
People draw conclusions about others without even havig seen, heard, or interacted with other people. People are always prejudiced. That's because they've already drawn certain conclusions....

Crazy life humans beings lead dont they? Makes me want to wish I were a martian or something... I agree wholeheartedly with the above statement.

angiasaa wrote:
Jan. 19th, 2004 08:42 am (UTC)
Goodness thankyou!
Thank the spirits of our forefathers that we're Humans from our own dear terra firma. :P

We humans are as bigotted or as broadminded as we imagine ourselves to be.... It's all pure sense perception. And ofcourse, relative discrepancy.

We're pals are'nt we? ;)
Kaydeeyoh to you too Anonymous soul!
(Anonymous) wrote:
Jan. 19th, 2004 08:47 am (UTC)
Re: Goodness thankyou!
yes, we are pals!

Call me anon if you like,anonymous soul is just too much of a mouthful.

you seem to have loads on your mind, thoughts about how prejudice people are do not often hound the mare mortal soul.

I like what I read, shall drop by here often, if you dont mind.
angiasaa wrote:
Jan. 19th, 2004 08:59 am (UTC)
Re: Goodness thankyou!
Hi again Anon,

Yes, I do have loads on my mind.... Mortal souls are hard to find these days.... We're all immortal in a way.... The mortal's are the lucky ones.... :-D they never come back....

People like you and I don't come treading across each others paths just off the cuff everyday.... :)

And no, I don't mind, I love it.... Drop in whenever you can, It's nice having comments from people....

Like an anonymous admirer...? ;)

Kaydeeyoh!