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Colorblind

  • Aug. 10th, 2003 at 4:47 AM
In too deep, Brood
It's been 20 yards since the roadside,
back again, at 2 AM, on the street.

Cause I don't wanna walk on the water,
it's calling me, tugging me, far from sleep.

Thinking only of the light in my head,
for it is all the same to you, and the dead.

Give me back my mind,
all the colors fade from my head.

I am colorblind from a freeway tradegy,
there's no memory, wasted eyes....

They are paranoid, and that's my problem,
I almost have to be just a memory.

I hear a far off voice scream bitterly,
Open your eyes! Get up! Get up! Please!

Stop in the shade of the roadside,
where the sun rolls like a bomb....

Tradegy, this so cold menace,
and it just came out so wrong....

It's just wild lines to me,
but things are getting clear....

I can almost read the writing,
written there on the mirror....

Thinking only of you in the garden,
too much shadow growing in my head....

But if it's all the same to you,
give me back my blue,

other colors fade, anyway,
there's just no memory.

Colorblind from a freeway tradegy,
I stay paranoid, with no memory....

I watch through Rexene eyes,
all the colors go, fade away....

Sitting in the dark, flashes of death streaking through my thoughts, I wrote this down.... Some of you might not see any sense in it but it's what I wrote, meaningless or not, it's what I felt at the time, and thought you guys could do with a bit of me. :o)

Before you people comment, read it again, this time, with depth in your thoughts, with flexibility grained into your mind as you read it.... you'll see something you likely missed the first time. :o)

Kaydeeyoh!


Before you go off wondering if I'd written this in depression, I'd like to assure you that it was far from depression, far from love, far from hatred.... It was something entirely different, quite like a feeling of nothingness.... It's hard to explain, but that's the best I can do in such a short space....

Post a reply if you deem it possible,
Kaydeeyoh!

Tags:

Comments

rvijapurapu wrote:
Aug. 9th, 2003 05:03 pm (UTC)
Need some changes ;)
You are an awesome poet. It does make you think.

The Site looks cool, but I should surely suggest you to change font size ;)

I dont mean to say that I am not able to read it well, but when we write something it should be world readable. Dark is good when you write something, and you dont want people to read it thoroughly, why dont you choose some colors which can make things a bit more readable?

Keep up the good work.

Ram.
angiasaa wrote:
Aug. 12th, 2003 06:11 am (UTC)
Re: Need some changes ;)
I'm glad it makes one think rvijapurapu, infact, It's quite elating to know you feel that way about my work. :)

As to being an awesome poet.... *blushes!* I'm really not sure on how I'm supposed to take that.... :">

Change the font size to make it look bigger or smaller? I'm on 1024x768 here, and it looks quite okay on my screen. :o)

Actually, I'm not too keen on just anybody reading my journal.... Ofcourse, I don't mind if people do actually read it, but I dun want to really make it attractive to everybody. As long as it's okay with friends and followers, I think It's okai. still, I think you have a point. Even my friends would have problems reading it.... Thanx for the feedback. :o)

You're a pal!
Kaydeeyoh!
datempest wrote:
Aug. 10th, 2003 01:41 am (UTC)
the song of a dying man..... yeah dats wot it is... did i interpret it right???

colorblind is surely one colorblinding poem in all of its simplicity and divinity... u got the thoughts of a dying man put forward so effortlessly....

yeah we all have our feelings of nuthingness every now and then... a hollow empty feeling which eats up every nook and corner of your body.... and then all of a suddden someone comes along and fills it all up!!!

colorblind... hmm makes me wonder really how many colors do we see in our daily living world.... somehow everythin ends up as black or white...

im ranting too much again.. i think too much of human resources is having a blinding effect on me( my books are a drab black and white in any case!!!) ill stop here...

Nix
angiasaa wrote:
Jan. 19th, 2004 03:34 am (UTC)
Yes, you interpretted it correctly. It's the song of a dying man, but not one dying physically as such though that might be the first impression. It's of one dying emotionally....

yeah we all have our feelings of nuthingness every now and then... a hollow empty feeling which eats up every nook and corner of your body.... and then all of a suddden someone comes along and fills it all up!!!

Yes, I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way.... The world is too much of an arena for linear thought.... we always have to look at it in four dimentions.... But there are some things that mean more than they do at face value.... :)

Best wishes,
Kaydeeyoh!
alexli wrote:
Apr. 11th, 2004 03:53 am (UTC)
That was very good
it actually reminded me for some strange reason
the song sounds of silence
maybe you want to check it out
im going to eat the easter lumb
take care pal
angiasaa wrote:
Apr. 11th, 2004 08:30 am (UTC)
Thankyou. :">

I've heard the "Sound of Silence" by 'Simon & Garfunkel'. :) It's a lovely song.... :o)

Now that you mention it, yes, the thoughts in this poem do reflect a similar emotion. but more closely, it reflects that of another song.... Have you ever heard "Tell Laura I Love Her" by 'Ray Peterson'?

If you have'nt, I suggest you do check it out when you can get your hands no it.... Very soft, subtle and unasuming.... Yet, very, very moving!

Kaydeeyoh!
F.F.E.A.E.,
Jim....
(no subject) - alexli - Apr. 11th, 2004 12:27 pm (UTC)
angiasaa wrote:
Apr. 11th, 2004 02:43 pm (UTC)
Re: ?
i've been trying to call you but you are not picking it up!!

Oh!! :-o That was you? :"> Sorry, I kept getting calls from a "Restricted Number" and I figured I'd be better off without the call. I'm really sorry Alexli. If I'd known it was you, I'd have surely answered the phone.

Hope you have a nice stay at Athens. My regards to Nicholas. :)

i am 100 cured
it feels weird now that its over
i don't know where i am as in (what has been going on all these time?)


Yes, it will feel weird. It's a part of our minds.... Once you're in an altered consciousness for a long time, it will always seem different when you come back to who you were earlier. It will stay strange till you get used to yourself again. Adjusting needs room and patience.... :) You have the room, the patience will fluctuate, but it's not impossible and I know you'll pull through brilliantly. :)

i sent a message to Haritini to wish [.....] she's funny. Doll?? I don't want to do anything with her again (expect she changes as you suggested )

She could be saying 'Doll' just as an endearment. It's like I might call you 'babe' or 'gal' or 'gurl'.... I guess it's the same thing.... :)

anyway i wanted to call you because i wanted to know if you are okay because you havent done much writing

Don't worry about me alexli, I'm doing pretty well actually. I'm waking up between 4:45 and 5:00 am every morning. My Mom and Dad figure that I'm having my insomnia and stuff cause of a chaotic biorhythm and metabolic timing, because of my sleeping timings. Even the doctor said the same thing. So they all feel that if I wake up early, I'll go to bed earlier cause I'll be more tired and will be dying for more sleep. Unfortunately, so far, that's not working.... I'm still awake most of the night. :P

All this apart, I'm doing well Alexli. I am moved by your concern, but I'm really doing pretty well. Thankyou for the care and concern Algel. :)

also i wanted to ask you if you can put up a web page for me and i will add the text the web page will have to do with the symptoms of dysthimia i have been reading all about depression during these couple of moths and they dont say anything which would make you take it for granded that you are suffering and i want to do it know because i am forgetting what it was like and i dont want anyone to be in my situation and not realising it for to years as I did!

Sure Alexli, I'd love to help out. You don't have to wait even, you can start doing the typing now itself and putting it onto a webpage will take only a couple of minutes at the most. The next time we're online at the same time, I'd love to talk to you abou this. For a friend, this would be the least I can do. :)

Besides, I think it's a very noble thing to do. And it would be valuable to a lot of people, even if they don't realise it.... It's true, you're an Angel. :o)

i bought some flowers for Nicholas grandmother

That's sweet. :) Do your grand parents live near your place too?

you can reach me at *@hotmail.com while i will be away

I can also SMS you right. ;) Be good and take care of yourself.

Lots of love and FFEAE,
Kaydeeyoh!
Jim....
subtle_blues wrote:
Aug. 16th, 2005 04:31 am (UTC)
didn't really get the colorblind part.. but these two lines kinda caught me!
Thinking only of the light in my head,
for it is all the same to you, and the dead.


Dunno if u meant it in the psysical sense or the mental(psychological) one. I can never tell the poet's vision from his work.. but i like the way some of the lines stir my mind up! I am not even sure I'll remember what was in my head when I made this comment when u finally reply to it..

Just for now.. that line makes me feel hopeless about life.
:)

p.s. this is how far I've come in your journal? do I still have a long way to go before hitting the beginning? :(
subtle_blues wrote:
Aug. 16th, 2005 04:33 am (UTC)
oh and..
I love that song.. it's one of my favs!
:)
angiasaa wrote:
Aug. 23rd, 2005 02:30 pm (UTC)
Yeah, one of my favs too!! :o)
angiasaa wrote:
Aug. 23rd, 2005 08:24 pm (UTC)
I sound heartbroken don't I? No one's ever asked me for an explanation of my Pomes (and in the few cases that they have indirectly done so, they have never gotten an answer that's wholesome and complete. I like to keep some of the mystery!).... The problem in some cases is "Complete Ignorance"! And in most of the cases, it is "shyness"!

Complete Ignorance deals with people who have never read poetry, people who don't know what emotions feel like, people who have never heard of freestyle or blank verse, people who have never known what it is like to immerse oneself in a poem and feel it flow around them, etc.

Shyness is where people are just too shy to ask. They read the poem, they feel a little bit of it, but are otherwise left in the lurch. Afraid to admit their ignorance (it's a completely justified ignorance BTW, it's impossible to see everything a poet had in his mind and everything that s/he has attempted to portray and place within h(is/er) words....

Yet, I never fully explain a pome of mine to anyone (even when asked!).... Instead, what I do is that I ask the reader to give me h(is/er) interpretation of the poem as s/he sees it, and then, I tell them what I was'nt thinking.

It makes for a lot of soul-searching for the reader and is a wonderful aid to my own thoughts in trying to understand the points in my pome where I have'nt been able to touch the reader deeply enough.

I don't hand out the whole deal to the reader for a very special reason.... To make it harder for people to understand me. Someone who does'nt try hard enough does'nt warrant a revelation right? :o)


Continued....
angiasaa wrote:
Aug. 23rd, 2005 08:25 pm (UTC)
Continued....
But if it's all the same to you,
give me back my blue,

other colors fade, anyway,

there's just no memory.


blue: Synonymy with depression, sadness, disaster, etc.
other colors: As opposed to "blue".
fade: Are forgotten, lost, dissolve, ebb, into the distance, etc.
, anyway: ',' before 'anyway' is a crucial addition to the statement. Gives you a pause before 'anyway'. Renders a deeper sense of loss, but at the same time, 'anyway' changes the tone into 'carelessness', etc. Something like 'it does'nt really matter, anyway'. I feel bad that I'm losing the other colors, but it's all the same to me, and it should be to the reader too.... If I had ignored the ',', then the tone of 'anyway' would have changed, left a huge gaping hole where a big fat emotional tone needed to be. Basically, 'anyway' displays : Farewell, sadness, longing, but nevertheless moving on, uninterested in the loss, giving up regretfully, etc.


Colorblind from a freeway tragedy,
I stay paranoid, with no memory....


Colorblind: Don't see them other colors no more....
freeway tragedy: 'Tragedy' on the 'Freeway'. Duh! Who died? I won't tell. Could be me, rendering the pome from the afterlife. I could be talking of a lost friend, or someone I'd lost in a 'tragedy'. It could be none of the above; it could be just an imagined loss, personified in a 'freeway tragedy'. Like losing a friend or loved one to an event, another person, lack of courage, etc. However you look at it, there's a big loss involved and I'm not saying what it was/is.
stay paranoid: Was paranoid, still am.... Mental anxiety reaches toward the surface, add to that a tone of regret, (I can say 'I stay paranoid' and the implication of that is that 'I was already paranoid', 'I am still paranoid'. I don't have to use three sentences to say all three.), at still feeling that paranoia.
with no memory....: Lost memories, They're Lost, Wasted, Gone forever, etc.... '....' displays the lack of verbal construction. It does'nt need to be said, it can't be said. No language can justify the hollowness of emotion. The four dots merely leave the silence to explain the emotion to the reader. If they're reading it from their hearts, they'll feel those dots.


I watch through Rexene eyes,
all the colors go, fade away....


I watch: Doubt to the reader.... "If the poet is watching, then he's dead? Or not?" Watching could mean that the soul is watching over the dead physical body, or it could mean someone else is dead/gone, and the poet is watching after that person/memory. But this phrase is not enough on its own.
through Rexene eyes: Reader imagination is necessary here. What is 'Rexene'? It's 'False Leather', 'Pseudo-Leather'. "Leathery Eyes??" You ask? You have watery eyes, teary eyes, dry eyes, brimming eyes, parched eyes, sparkling eyes, laughing eyes, closed eyes, wide-eyed eyes, blind eyes, Blah-blah, etc. Then what are "Rexene Eyes"? Well, Imagine it. I sure can't explain it with text. Staring, rigid, lost, unfocused, apply the properties of Rexene to human eyes and you'll feel it.
all the colors go: The key word here is 'all'! They 'go'.
fade away....: the colors, they go, they fade away.... Again, the '....' is a gentle 'letting go' of those colors, those memories, those thoughts, everything. Death!

Kaydeeyoh!

P.S.: 18 public posts before this post still remain. :o) It's not far.... Depends on how you look at it.... :o)
subtle_blues wrote:
Aug. 23rd, 2005 11:33 pm (UTC)
:)
I read the pome all over again...

I missed the "blue" when I read it the first time.. Strange that I should miss it considering that that's exactly what the "blues" in my username mean.. hmmm..
The pome runs a lot deeper than I had imagined it to the first time I read it( believe me I didnot think of it as a shallow one). Your rendition of it makee me think, yet again!:)

Jim, I think those lines talk not of a physical death but that of the soul. Yes, you _do_ sound heartbroken btw!

Tradegy, this so cold menace,
and it just came out so wrong....


Those lines cut right through..
Wish I could turn back time..
Wish I hadn't been so foolish..
Wish I had seen it coming..
Wish...
There's a lot left unsaid Jimmy Boy! :) A lot..
angiasaa wrote:
Aug. 24th, 2005 06:44 pm (UTC)
The pome runs a lot deeper than I had imagined it to the first time I read it.... ....Your rendition of it makee me think, yet again!:)

I have'nt rendered much of the meaning behind the pome. It's just skimming the surface in my comment. Besides, I only did four stanzas.... The pome itself is a bit longer. :) There's repetition of certain specific word-combinations and lines. That's been done on purpose too.... Meanings of the words, used in the same way, tend to change depending on the visual and sense-based context surrounding it at the time.... :)

I know, I'm mean! :o)

Jim, I think those lines talk not of a physical death but that of the soul.

No comments right now..

There's a lot left unsaid Jimmy Boy! :) A lot..

A lot is unsaid, but it is not beyond your ability to see it, to perceive it, to hear it, to feel it. Some times, things don't _have_ to be said, as I said in my earlier comment, there's something that silence can say, but words can never make up to.... Similarly, there are somethings that, if said out directly, will lose their charm, their value, their impact, their depth.... The experience is way better when a reader sees the silence speak to him/her.... I love this Language, it's beautiful!