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Changing My Past....

  • Aug. 5th, 2005 at 1:20 AM
Over Stand
Most of you, some even more than others, will find a kinship with these thoughts, you don't have to read them if you're weak of heart. :)

There are some nasty edges about life that I've never been able to work my way around. At times, just living on the edge tends to soften the aches. It's avoidance really, but sometimes, when you least expect it, it all piles down on you and you shudder under its weight.

I've spent a lifetime regretting my decisions, decisions I thought were incredibly intelligent at the time. I look back at my life now, What do I see? It's a mess, a shambles, but I love it. Without it, I would'nt be who I am today. I'm almost a quarter of a century old now, and at best, that's perhaps a third of my operating lifespan.

I've seen things, I've learnt things, I've regretted most of it.... But I feel superior in the knowledge that I know I messed up somewhere.... :o) My life's given me an edge over others in some ways, while it's pushed me under the water-table in other ways.... Yet, when I look back, I feel a strange sense of happiness that draws itself over my chin....


I think I'm not as much of an asshole as I thought I was.... I'm alive, and I'm moving in some direction.... Whatever it may be, I'm sure of one thing, I'm strange, I'm different, I hope to make a difference.... If I could go back in time and change something about my life, I would'nt be able to bring myself to change anything. I know it might do me good later, I know it would help if I could, but my life is riveted the way it is, I'm a sucker for avoiding pre-change. :o)

I've got a Strategic Management examination in eleven hours.... I have'nt studied a word!! Except for having paid a decent level of attention in class, and interacted a bit with fellow students, I believe I'm bound to feel like a fool in the morning.... :o) Just kidding. If anyone plans to do an MBA< trust me, it's a cake walk. Especially if you have the ability to use whacko terms instead of those that rhyme with common sense! :o)


Farewell: So many friends, old and new have and will depart. This week, and the one to follow is full of friends migrating to greener pastures.... They're goats, and I love them! Take care you guys! Eat well, and sleep alone when you can, it's a wonder what 'real sleep' can do for your mind. :o)

Kaydeeyoh!

Comments

shandeegoddess wrote:
Aug. 4th, 2005 08:08 pm (UTC)
Good luck for your exam! :-D ♥
angiasaa wrote:
Aug. 5th, 2005 09:02 am (UTC)
Thankyou! I needed that! :)
smithi wrote:
Aug. 4th, 2005 08:25 pm (UTC)
"At time, just living no the edge tends to soften the aches. It's avoidance really, but sometimes, when you least expect it, it all piles down on you and you shudder under its weight."
- Couldn't agree more.


angiasaa wrote:
Aug. 5th, 2005 09:06 am (UTC)
Sometimes, I feel so totally overwhelmed with everything that's bearing down on me.... It's a comfort in a way, to find that there are others who share our lives with us.... :)
smithi wrote:
Aug. 5th, 2005 06:04 pm (UTC)
Yes, it is indeed comforting to think about the people who have shared and share their lives with us:)
angiasaa wrote:
Aug. 6th, 2005 10:45 am (UTC)
There are some things in life that we'll never understand.... There are others, that we could'nt even begin to fathom, but that make full and complete sense to us....

I guess that's just another fundamental aspect of being 'alive'! :o)
ex_ga_woo wrote:
Aug. 5th, 2005 10:30 am (UTC)
Couldn't agree more.

I could agree more! In fact, I'm pretty darn sure I do agree more than you!! :P
angiasaa wrote:
Aug. 5th, 2005 11:54 am (UTC)
Glad you agree too.... :o) There's nothing like reinforcement ya! :o)
ex_ga_woo wrote:
Aug. 5th, 2005 11:58 am (UTC)
Actually I don't even know what I'm agreeing with. Will reply to your post later. I just did that cause I always have this urge to say something when someone goes "I couldn't agree more" or "I couldn't care less" :)

So..um....no reinforcement for you ya! Not yet, anyway! :)
angiasaa wrote:
Aug. 5th, 2005 02:14 pm (UTC)
*Grrrrowls!*

I'll just have to _hang in there_ a while.... :o)

I get this urge to reply too, but it's usually when it's a reply to one of my comments. :o)

I love bombing other peoples journals. :o)
(no subject) - nash_da_basher - Aug. 5th, 2005 02:48 am (UTC)
angiasaa wrote:
Aug. 5th, 2005 09:03 am (UTC)
Visit us from time to time.... :) We might be far, but we're not away. :)
kalyancreddy wrote:
Aug. 5th, 2005 10:27 am (UTC)
I've spent a lifetime regretting my decisions, decisions I thought were incredibly intelligent at the time. I look back at my life now, What do I see? It's a mess, a shambles, but I love it., don't worry buddy, you aren't alone. My life seems to represent a lot of what you expressed in there but one thing that never changed is my confidence and thats what I guess keeps me afloat.
angiasaa wrote:
Aug. 5th, 2005 11:36 am (UTC)
That's a big difference between the two of us.... Confidence.... You have it, I seem to lack it....

People tell me that I seem so darned confident of myself.... Internally, I'm cringing from everything!

It's nice to know I'm not standing up here all alone.... :)
vyshnavi wrote:
Aug. 5th, 2005 02:31 pm (UTC)
All the best for your exam. :) I bombed Strategic Management a couple of days back.

Enjoyed this post. It's fun to analyze life, isn't it? ;)
angiasaa wrote:
Aug. 5th, 2005 02:39 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I fell asleep mid-exam!! :o) I was shocked when I awoke....
The exam was'nt half as bad as I'd expected it to be. Cause and effect, life's so simple in Management!! :o)

The best thing about life.... No matter what you say about it, you're probably right! :o) Analyzing my life has blown up into a full fledged brain-activity for me.... I think I gotta take some sleeping pills or something before I lose it completely! :o)
vyshnavi wrote:
Aug. 5th, 2005 05:03 pm (UTC)
Hehe. I have done that too! :))

Btw, what you said about MBA is so true. It's also full of nice-sounding acronyms, isn't it? :)

Where are you studying? If I may ask...
angiasaa wrote:
Aug. 6th, 2005 06:29 pm (UTC)
Nice-sounding acronyms and mentally deranged complex words or phrases (often referred to as management Jargon or Terminology) that have perfectly sane translations into common-sense words or phrases.... :(

I'm studying in a college called "Xavier's - Vignana Jyoti Institute of Management".... They claim to fame is their being among the Top-50 B-Schools in India.... But seriously, who ever believed 'News Week', 'India Today' and those other equally annoying magazines? :oP
(Anonymous) wrote:
Aug. 5th, 2005 02:42 pm (UTC)
"The only thing I regret about my past is the length of it. If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."
-Tallulah Bankhead

thought you would enjoy this... its one of my favorite quotes... hope you are doing well. i am sure you will do well on your exam. take care jim....

~*~ABB - SC~*~
angiasaa wrote:
Aug. 6th, 2005 06:34 pm (UTC)
That's exactly how I feel.... Only, you'll have to cut out the 'sooner' bit, I'd have been a very different person if I had'nt made my mistakes when I did.... :)

Now that's what I call value addition!

Thank you.... :o)

P.S.: Dunno if you've mailed me, am totally bombed with mails and with my exams moving in slo-mo, I'm seriously in backlog.... 1063 new mails.... My life's taken that turn into disaster!! :(
vandyvandana wrote:
Aug. 6th, 2005 10:27 am (UTC)
u r the Kaydeeyoh!

keep rocking.
angiasaa wrote:
Aug. 6th, 2005 10:45 am (UTC)
Kaydeeyoh! :o)

Thankyou!
sticky_toffee wrote:
Aug. 8th, 2005 03:52 pm (UTC)
hope your exam went well. :)

The things you have acheived so far are intertwined with the life you descibe as being in shambles. We all hit life with mistakes. It would not be interesting if everything went our way.

Keep loving life Jim. :)

angiasaa wrote:
Aug. 9th, 2005 08:04 pm (UTC)
Ummm.... I'm still not sure how the exam went. :o) Dunno how the prof's gonna be checking the papers.

True, it's the atoms that make up the whole, and beneath those, it's the subatomic level.... Everything mingles and interacts to form a person....

Life's a mess, and I love it, I really do!! :o)

Kaydeeyoh Reem..
subtle_blues wrote:
Aug. 15th, 2005 03:44 am (UTC)
If I could go back in time and change something about my life, I would'nt be able to bring myself to change anything.
that about sums it all up.. :)

u change something and for all you know u wake up a lot more screwed up than what u are now! don't u think life's more about dealing with the past than changin it..

I am yet to meet a person who didn't want to change his/her past.. but into what they aren't really sure.. they say into something better! i think it's just wishful thinking!
:)
cheerio!
angiasaa wrote:
Aug. 23rd, 2005 07:16 pm (UTC)
It's more about changing something, and it ceases to exist. Your life is not the same anymore. You're a different person. I like who I am. I don't like my life, but I love the person I am, I can't imagine myself any different. And I guess, I don't want to either.

I want to change my past, but that's bullshit. I will never do it even if I had the chance and someone else was paying for the round-trip! :o)

Kaydeeyoh!