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In too deep, Brood
I've been in a rather reflective mode for quite a while. Been writing page upon stealthy page of stuff that I'm half sure I'll never release to any other eyes.

Speaking to a newfound acquaintance and friend (you know who you are), I've rushed through periods of my life I'd never hoped to recall for quite a while now. But digging into my past and thoughts therein, I have come across a wonderful realization that stuns me just as much as other people would believe I'm kidding.

Let me take this opportunity to explain a little about my childhood that I've mentioned only in mere passing before.


Living on a huge farm, 480 Acres in all, it was the largest Organic farm in Asia as well as the southern hemisphere at the time. I spent most of my time in seclusion, with loads of things to do. I actually lived a very happy childhood, and though I was insulated from society, I grew to despise of it totally.

My seclusion during that period of my life gave me a powerful will to control my temptations and my mental urges. A strong willpower to overcome my urges, to control my temptations and to harvest my better qualities or so I'm apt to assume.

I learnt to keep my thoughts to myself unless expressly requested for them. I've been referred to as an agony uncle by quite a number of people, I've been referred to upon numerous occasions for pivotal and crucial decisions that have factually nothing to do with me.

People come to me even though I know I'm just as dumb and foolish as they themselves claim to be. Maybe I'm amplified in that context a bit more than they themselves.



I find it hard to understand why some people (who shall remain unnamed, not just for privacy reasons, but also, in part, because there are too many of them) look upon me as a kind of a demigod of sorts. I used to be generally referred to as "God" by some kids during my four-year epoch.

Initially, I found it to give me quite a powerful ego boost. But as time trickled through my fingers, I realized that It was'nt something I was comfortable with it. Of course, the advantage of being looked up at, was that I had the ability, and I exercised it, to get them to stop using such misleading terms of reference.

Though I must admit that the term had, perhaps through over use, been insulated by instant change, i was still referred to as 'God' often enough to make me cringe every time someone happened to refer to me by the term. I can't say that I was a very loved personality since I was (had to be) harsh at times, and strict in other matters. Being the admin for digital security can be a pain in the neck.



Administrating code modules for V-Sat uplinks can be a looooong and tiresome procedure and handling two positions simultaneously can take its toll on a person. Somehow though, I always managed to stay one step ahead of my self in my ability to control my anger throes.

I had my escape route. The Internet. With a wonderful 2MBps line, and 24 hour access was a good thing. I'd spend hours online, between upgrades, during regular server backups, during coffee and tea breaks, during cigarette breaks, I'd often get online and post something up. Life was nice when I could just turn over a new leaf and type my mind out into obscurity.


Coming back to the topic, I've strayed yet again and my apologies for the same. People have always regarded me highly, especially in the last four or five years.... Their reasons for doing so are purely fictional in nature and I fear, I definitely don't deserve the high opinions and regards I've been receiving over the years.

Talking it out with people is not gonna get me anywhere. People who want to see something in someone will see just that and nothing less.


People are'nt very hard to control, it's their ideas that are hard to suppress. I've seen this happen in more ways than one, and though I could explain them to you, I shudder from doing so. I'd be impinging on my own security as well as that of another individual if I did. There are others, many more infact, but they are bound more or less by the same contract.

You can't tell an individual that he's dumb and expect him or her to believe what you say. You can't tell someone that they're intelligent and expect them to believe you even if they are indeed just that! It's all up to them in the end.

Since mind control has'nt been in the market yet, I presume we're gonna have to figure out ways to perform mass telepathy to subdue peoples true thoughts of themselves as well as their thoughts and opinions about others.


To an extent, I have an advantage over others.... I am an accurate marksman when it comes to people analysis. More than just the powers of logical deduction and a fair share of gentlemanly intuition aid me. What I'm aided by though, I shall keep under hush and muffles for now.

I can mould minds into decided tracks of thought. I just need that random link. Often with like-minded individuals, though it's too random to assume that it's anything else in the works.


People have often looked at me and wondered at how easily I seem to pull things off. They ask me and I reply like it was child’s play to me. It certainly was'nt, but who on Earth wants to portray that they're miraculous wimps? Not me, no Sire no!!

I'd uselessly complicate my explanations and make it sound like I was doing something utterly phenomenal when actually it was just to change a variable here, twist a bit of fundamental theory around there and Viola, Presto! Whatever! What's worse is that people would actually go around believing what I made things out to be and get a constitutionally distorted image of me.

I've done that most of the end of my life and it's murderous to say the least. It's like suppressing otherwise perfectly capable human beings, melting and remolding their characteristics, twisting and distorting their realities. And all this without their knowing.

Don't people have a right to be themselves? Don't they have a right to shine out bright? They do. Of course they do. So do I. But I console myself by saying to myself that if these people can't break free of my influence, it's not my problem, it's theirs because they are incapable or unwilling to break free of the trance.


People are too often misinterpreted and I make ample use of misinterpretation to change my projections like volatile fluids.... Turning bad into good and good into bad, I'm the man for the dirtiest of jobs. But my mind lies not, free of conscience.


It swells with rage, and empties itself into time capsules here every odd day. We get nowhere and fast. Me, especially so, and I find no way of backtracking and undoing all that's been done. There's simply too much force and momentum keeping my mind firmly on track and unimpeded.


People think I'm something I'm not. It may be something people wished for in true earnest, but it's something that is the ill of society in a diluted sense. I can't be what I'm not (obviously) but I can seem like I am. Unfortunately, or fortunately as the case might be, that's exactly how it is. I'm a projected image, an edited avatar perhaps, of something so diluted but yet appear perfectly solid and existent.


It has its benefits, this reflection. But those benefits far outweigh the feeling of isolation brought upon my self due to this.

I know that isolation can do wonders, I know that for a fact, but I'm not one to go around preaching since I am myself being pulled under by my own creations.... I'm a prisoner in my own prison so to speak, and I'm doing absolutely nothing to get out of it!!


Sometimes, it pays to be frank, open and honest with the people around you. The thing is that I don't know where I must draw the line.... Hence, to avoid miscarriages of justice along these lines, I totally lock myself up and refuse to flay myself in the open.


My friends tell me I'm mysterious, that I hide too much of myself. But some of them have seen through the outer shell and they know what lies beneath. As much as they don't like what they see, I guess they find it easier to believe in something they can see than in something wondrous and beautiful that they think they see....


I'm making no sense I know and I've gone round and round in violently curved paths, taking off at tangents and coming back into loci, but heck, that's the troubled mind you see.... That's me and there's nothing to get away from that fact.

Kaydeeyoh!
Jim....

Comments

atharvan wrote:
Mar. 4th, 2004 01:48 am (UTC)
Thanks for sharing so much :)

I see much of myself reflected in what you write, but then, reflections concern but mere surfaces, and are to be distrusted. Anyway, external shell or not, whatever you write, I read and understand - or try to :)

Cheers!
angiasaa wrote:
Mar. 4th, 2004 05:03 am (UTC)
I did'nt mean to share so much. :"> Though I must say, I'm glad I did'nt put the rest of my posts from the past couple of weeks in public visiblity. I doubt I'll ever get shift even into friends only mode.... :(

You're right though, in saying that reflections concern mere surfaces and are to be distrusted.... I've been saying that all my life, but even I sometimes, tend to fall into my own trenches, I sometimes actually believe what I say. :P

I'm glad you're still alive after that post. You're the first one commenting on this and I value that greatly.

You won't believe this perhaps, But so many mails have come in today regarding this post, It's weird. No one posts their replies here, I guess they fear linking their selves to my ranting and raving. :P

Today was a shocking twenty four mails regarding this entry.... Weird! I don't understand people the way I used to I guess. lol! I don't play along with their sentiments any more. :-D

I'm happy I stand not alone today!

Kaydeeyoh!
alexli wrote:
Mar. 4th, 2004 08:55 am (UTC)
hello that was good! It had some very good points in it. I guess I 'll have to read it again. I guess so many people have a different picture of you,because everyone's disordered mirror is different.
i don't believe in solitude anymore. because as refered to someone when you have known who you are, what will be then so yours that you cannot open up. solitude also piles up a lot of things
also it's good to be mystirous.
because you live a mystery of life and that's just your reflection.
I'm sure tho your are refering to a part of yours that only the touch of understanding and compassion can open up.
i must run today
i'll write you more later

also look what i found out: kinda out of subject
there were some memembers of a church who were told that
they are gonna meet again their aquaintances in 100 years.
anyway and people died
and they were tought not to grieve because as mentioned they would meet again with their family and friends.
so actually the movement of the church brainwashed them
and the collapsed when they got out of it

but it makes me wonder
how much power does the mind have
and more...

gotta run

ps. parts of me ivisible to me also have been touched my me for the same reason as yours.


Yours always
angiasaa wrote:
Mar. 4th, 2004 01:59 pm (UTC)
Thankyou Alexli,

I guess I 'll have to read it again.

It's not worth reading again.... If anything, I have myself not read it a single time after having written it. Maybe I'll read it a year or two later....

I guess so many people have a different picture of you,because everyone's disordered mirror is different.

Yes, I think you're right about that.... Sometimes, you make so much sense, I tend to reconsider my own previous thoughts. :)

it's good to be mystirous.
because you live a mystery of life and that's just your reflection.
I'm sure tho your are refering to a part of yours that only the touch of understanding and compassion can open up.


Perhaps it is, yes.... I'm refering to a part of me that you have opened up a long time ago.... You're among the only three people who know of it.... :)

but it makes me wonder how much power does the mind have and more...

I wonder on those same lines myself. Infact, I've been lost in wonder of this for so long, and not reached any deffinate conclusion except that it's got great capacity and it's so powerful, we'll never know it's extent for our children and their children for generations to come....

Regards....