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Feb. 17th, 2004

  • 6:08 AM
Mindless Moments
Having spent most of tonight just wasting away the hours, running though my thoughts and memories, a vague notion of calm dejectedness spread it's shadow over me....

Reeking in utter disharmony, there was still the nagging sliver of doubt and hope making it's forages into my mind.... Never in a very long time have I felt so morbid a reflection in my mind....

The thought, I'm sure most of you might wish to ask me, but I'm sorry, that's in a rather long entry and Complaints of terribly long posts and human error while reading my written words has confined that post to privacy.

The gist of those thoughts seem impervious to other minds and hence, I find solace in describing my mind here a little bit with the confidence that I'm not going regret it later....

A long time ago (no dates or approximate year, sorry!) I had a dream as I slept. It was a troubling dream that stirred my thoughts enough to make me take one of the biggest emotional steps I've ever taken in my life. infact, I'd say it was the greatest leap I've taken in my emotional life's existence.

It was a cold winter night in Delhi and the temperature was nearing a miserable 2 degrees at night.... I woke up with a jolt, bathed in sweat, eyebrows furrowed and I realized I'd kicked off my blankets.... being of tropical descent, I'm extremely susceptible to the northern cold waves and I found my self more in anguish than feeling the biting chill of the freezing air around me....

I usually sleep in the nude mind you, and I usually have on a thick blanket even in the summer months.... It's a trait that I'd picked up somewhere in the groves of my blissful childhood.... And Even in summer, hot as it may be, I never kick off my blankets....

I reached into the wardrobe and pulled on a thin beach vest and a pair of track pants and ambled out onto the marble steps in front of my (so called) abode. A cigarette dangling from my lips, the tip glistening with a red brightness strong enough to reflect off the dewdrops on the leaves of the potted plants along the stairs....

In perpetual darkness, save for the tip of my cigarette, I tried in vain to savor the taste of fuming tobacco. My mind whooshing around in pigmented tantrums, refusing to succumb to the pangs of sleeplessness that wracked it's entire being.... Never stopping long enough to let my mind ponder over anything, always in confused awe, it would move swiftly on to the next thought, picking and tucking at it till it was slated off the surface as an inconsequential reality.

I sat on those steps for over four hours while the sky slowly began brightening to a blood-cloaked stranger. I closed my eyes and after a gap of several years, A tear left my eye and made it's way down my cheek, sloping off and dripping wetly upon the marble stair I was seated upon.... Barefoot and withered like a burnt up match, I lifted my self on to my feet and agonized the coming of a new day, a new morning, a new world, a new horizon, but yet, no new hope or emotion.

The feeling that your heart's being squeezed by your lungs due to the intake of a sizable quantity of water subdued my attempts at swallowing and I felt helpless, an agonizing lump in my throat. I had cried a tear, a single fleeting tear and I knew not why. At the time though, it made sense, for I had been moved. Not by the pigment of a past dream, but moved by the depth of consciousness that I had realized the meaning I had been fighting most of my mature life to ward off.

The urge to put an end to it all, I must add, is menacingly attractive and virtually overpowering....

I spent days on end analyzing my actions and my thoughts but came to nothing conclusive.... I had, in my own mind, created a reality that truly existed at the time. It still does, But now, I understand why it all happened. I learnt something from myself that day on those icy cold steps, I'm only a part of the puzzle.... The rest of the puzzle either does'nt exist yet, or has'nt been cut right. What I have today, I can't hope to own forever. There are times when I think deep and nostalgically over the thoughts that wrinkle my mind, but I fear sorrowfully, that I'll never be able to reach definitive cognition.

Today, I was awake as my body heated itself up, I'm sweating slightly (not profusely though) and I feel confusion betraying my mind. I had no dream, I had no nightmare, instead, what I had was a scheme of things. I can now see why I had that brief flutter of an incident in my life when I sat there on those steps desperately trying to catch my thoughts and absorb their worth. Today, I know what happened, today, I understand the cause, and today, I created a new improved problem, perhaps one that will take me longer perhaps to evolve into understanding.

For now though, I can't help but wonder what the problem involves, but I do know for a fact that I am just another being, trying to understand myself and how I am changed when I'm with others. How I think of them and how I realize when things are awry, How I feel about things and how I try to understand them.

I'm simply trying here, to describe to you the surface of my mind. For the insides, you'll have to scrape away mental matter and thoughts, one blunt scrape at a time, It's not gonna be easy, but if you have the drive and the persistence, you just might taste my thoughts.

I'm not sure what's bothering me yet, but know this, that when I do, I'll be again, renewed, and the update you receive then shall parade itself in careful analysis.... It may take years, maybe tens of them, but I am confident that my hope shall not lack....

Time heals, but sometimes, just sometimes, people can heal each other much more effectively....
I'm human too, but I know for a fact that I'm not normal, I know for a fact that I think differently from others, as do the rest of you too, but in my mind, I'm a mess of confused interconnections and brain pathways.... Biochemicals might run themselves into a frenzy, but as long as I have a breath left in me, my mission, in the end, is to realize why I am what I am....

Kaydeeyoh!

Tags:

Comments

datempest wrote:
Feb. 18th, 2004 04:00 pm (UTC)
this post of yours, has had me thinking about so many aspects of my life. Therefore this late reply. Infact I still dont know what am I supposed to put up here.

Memories sometimes can be painful, but the trick of living, is to let them go. Yes, they do make us what we are, but we cannot live in the past. We have to move on.

Time does heal, and so does love. Im here if you need a healing hand.

Love,
Nix
angiasaa wrote:
Feb. 18th, 2004 04:13 pm (UTC)
Re:
this post of yours, has had me thinking about so many aspects of my life. Therefore this late reply. Infact I still dont know what am I supposed to put up here.

There's nothing that you're "Supposed" to put up here except for your own thoughts. Be they muddled or irraional, Caring or Lethal, Happy or Sad, as long as they are tyour thoughts, they're welcome....

Memories sometimes can be painful, but the trick of living, is to let them go. Yes, they do make us what we are, but we cannot live in the past. We have to move on.

I realized that a long time ago.... I realized that once again when you reminded me some time ago.... And I know we hve to move on.... But I'm moving on, not cause I have to, but because that's the only way I'm gonna get any better.

Time does heal, and so does love. Im here if you need a healing hand.

Yes, I know.... But thankyou, I'm always grateful for that and every thing else....
(no subject) - nash_da_basher - Feb. 26th, 2004 08:34 am (UTC)
angiasaa wrote:
Feb. 28th, 2004 12:28 pm (UTC)
Re:
Sorry mate.... Maybe it should have been a privets post too.... Good I kept the other posts private.... They're waaaaay worse than what you see up there. :(

I'm cheerig up, don't worry.... It's just a temporary phase.
(Anonymous) wrote:
Feb. 20th, 2004 02:50 am (UTC)
saw you in my journal. thanks for enlightening me about the word "baba". hehe... anyway, thanks for the concern and don't worry, i'm pretty aware that i don't have the monotony for sadness. hope we feel better soon.

*hug*
angiasaa wrote:
Feb. 20th, 2004 03:05 am (UTC)
Re:
Thanks, To getting better! Cheers! :)
alexli wrote:
Feb. 26th, 2004 09:38 am (UTC)
Re:
of course it is logical that you have found the answer during your sleep,
as N says, the most evil things in this world happen because people don't get enough of sleep
i miss the tears of understanding, anyway, my pc broke down that other day, that's why i couldn't find you online.

i missed you already.
kisses
angiasaa wrote:
Feb. 28th, 2004 12:34 pm (UTC)
Re:
Yes, and I have to agree with N. It's so true.... I suffer from self induced Insomnia I think. That's bad, bad, bad. :(

Tears of understanding are very rare.... But at times, they're so easy to meat out.... *hugs!*

Yes, I was worried that you did'nt come online.... But I guess w've cleared a few things up. You're still a wonderful person. :) You'll always be!

Take care Al,
Kaydeeyoh!
F.F.E.A.E.,
Jim....
subtle_blues wrote:
May. 31st, 2005 06:28 pm (UTC)
I like the tear.
It's warm.
It's clear.
Tis always there when u need it! when u need it's warmth!
:)
If there's one line i've stuck by all my life it's "time heals".. sadly though not without leaving some scary deep scars!
cheerio!



angiasaa wrote:
May. 31st, 2005 08:47 pm (UTC)
Tis always there when u need it! when u need it's warmth!

No, It's not always there when you need it. Heck, maybe it is, but it's certainly not there when you really want it.... :(

I've learned that time can numb an emotional wound. I've learned that time puts those wounds there. I've learned that people help to place those wounds there, I've learned that people can heal those wounds too....

Scars shall remain, always and forever, but with time, and with love, you can learn to live with them.

There are so many times I wish I could just let go and cry my heart out. But my tears fail me. I'm built all wrong perhaps, I can't say I'm happy till I've cried for all my wounds.

They say it's not right for a man to lose control of his tears.... I say, I wish I could lose control at will and cry for all it's worth, but it does'nt happen. When it does, it's so rare, I fear I might just melt and die out of sadness....

Kaydeeyoh!